(Warning: Strong languages, mentions of self-harm and suicide ahead)
Quite frankly, I don't want to sit and write this. But this has been a burden on my side, and I want to release it once and for all. Everyday, every minute I really wished that I would be someone walking in the background, unnoticed, undetected. Sometimes I even wish that I don't really exist. I simply wished that I was never born at all. I don't expect you to understand, but for me, I would rather stay in my bedroom for hours doing things that would please myself, rather than engaging with the society. Don't get me wrong, I still have family, friends, even a girlfriend. But sometimes, being alone, or spend some time with the one that would love you unconditionally and no questions asked is the best way to escape the burden of being alive.
During my childhood, I was a misfit. Even if I wanted to play with some of my colleagues, all I get was rejection or a cold shoulder. I spent most of my childhood living with my grandmother, and to this day, she is the only one I feel most comfortable with. If my grandpa would still be here, he would have been the second person that I can freely interact with. I never understand how friendship works, and how to manage it. Hell, I don't even know what I was back then and to this day, no matter how much I try; I am still struggling getting know of myself personally. Overtime, all I know is I might have massive number of friends or relatives, I always a lonely person inside. My grandma said to me once that it's like I am living inside my own bubble. And frankly, I'm okay living inside this bubble, as long as I'm comfortable with it. Most of my years of my life, this "world" that I'm living at is mine and mine alone. But thanks to certain someone special, she is now part of my world, my inner bubble. The one that I can freely express my thoughts and grievances about life.
The fact that I have an untreated mental condition doesn't help the case either. As far as I remember, I never visit a single psychiatrist apart from the time I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 5 years old. Everything that I do must always be wrong in the view of others, even my parents. I have always wanted to tell you this, but I guess that all those words that coming from my mouth are useless to you apparently, but I am struggling to control this otherwise uncontrollable physical body and this brain of myself. It's involuntary, and the urge is sometimes irresistible. The impulse is out of control. Not to mention that in the heat of the moment, when my mind is so focused on one thing, several other important things are pushed to the side. As a result, I can be quite forgetful of those things. But I am now come to terms that I am always an idiotic waste of space. Yes. I am an idiot. I just happen to be an idiot with a bachelor’s degree. I'm not lazy, I'm just an idiot. Not that it would matter anyway. Afterall, I only do things for the sake of others, not me. And I'm fine with that.
My relationship with my parents is kind of an up-and-down affair. Sometimes we get civil with each other, but most of the time, it's tiring with all the scolding, shouting and any of that "tough love" bullshit. Especially with my father. For him, there is something wrong with whatever I do. Even some chores I did must always have some flaw. Like the floor that is not clean enough (but let's face it, my father is a MASSIVE clean freak). My mother on the other hand, when it comes to personal relationship, is more like "just a friend" type. We rarely talk about much unless it's about important matters. Moreover, since I lived with my grandma for the most of my childhood, I rarely meet them. They are either working or study in college (my mother was a medical student when she got married). So, in return, I never feel really close with them emotionally. There is a lot of emotional distance developed between them and me. I guess my brother has better luck when it comes to this, huh? Good for him. That's why I prefer to shut myself out. You can't get scolded for doing something wrong if you didn't do anything in the first place, right? Sometimes, when I get scolded (or yelled at, with a tiny sprinkle of threats of violence), I thought, "If you don't want a kid like me with all this disability or doesn't want anything to do with me in the first place, just tell me. I would gladly take my own life by stabbing my chest with a knife straight to the heart, for the sake of liberating you from this humongous burden." Hell, I always have this urge to at least bang my head as hard as humanly possible to a nearest wall, preferring some sharp edges, so I can cut myself more quickly and easily. But I guess that won't kill me fast enough. But yeah, if you are tired of me, I'll just kill myself then. Afterall, I'm nothing but a dead weight.
"But they are your parents." Yes, they are. But loving parents don't spew threats of violence just because of some garbage that I forgot to put away because of sudden distracting impulse that I can't control. Loving parents don't constantly compare two siblings just because the other one is "squeaky clean and an accomplished kid" and the other one is "a useless waste of space". If this is what it turned out to be, I'd rather be aborted as a fucking fetus than being born this way. Nobody was asked to be born. I didn't ask to be born. In this case. I'd rather be alone in a crowded space than being in the same place as my parents to be completely frank.
Naturally, with every single shit that I have to endure, I had to seek some external output just to temporarily relieve myself from my home life. From plucking fingernails to the point of constant bleeding to practically seeking pleasures outside of home become the main part of my life. Hell, on weekdays, especially when my father is around, I've always made sure to leave the house to work a bit early and go back from work a bit late. So that at least I have as minimal interaction as possible.
